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There seems to be a war going on in my mind, brought about by stress and a need to look at my past and my future. I know I am out of place in attempt to fit in with those around me and the people I meet. Things that should be important by standards of someone at my status just seem silly. I once knew a man who told me he couldn’t watch TV or movies. He said all he could see was the director setting up the scene, the actor rehearsing his lines. He saw only the process, not the product. It made sense in theory when he told me, but watch exactly the overall effect was I never really thought about. Of course now that I am in the same ball park I see what the big deal was/is. I never quite realized just how much I needed the TV time of zoning out to clear the thoughts in my mind. They’re much like a child who keeps screaming until it eventually tires itself out and gives up when no one plays it any attention. So without my zombie time it becomes harder to ignore the screams. Unfortunately the screams don’t want a toy or just attention, no they want control. So this is where I’m at, lost in a war for control of my own mind.
This alter ego of mine “Carlos” is becoming so strong that at times I begin to wonder who the “alter” ego is. I mean to be honest he is more suited to the world around me. A better fit into the social life around me. Although he is also (I feel) completely devoid of morals. I guess one could argue that is what makes him fit in. He is also just plain smarter. If you read all these post you will find that the first one is written better than the follow ups. He wrote that, not me. I know the flaw in saying he committed an action verse saying he influenced me doing the action. Maybe I’m supposed to say I did it and realize he is a figment of my imagination. That is probably the correct way to put that statement; however it is simply a lie. I had nothing to do with it. The internal struggle is becoming more and more external. I’ve almost entirely given up on sleep; the fight is too loud to rest. I still do manage to get some sleep when my body becomes too exhausted to go on, but only a couple of hours at a time. It’s never enough to refresh my psyche.
09:54 PM - July 25, 2006 - {0} - -
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Amazing, simply fucking amazing. Newscaster’s write a constant stream of hell and force it down the throat of anyone they can reach, yet complain at the general state of apathy in America. Fucking amazing. Then if you do act concerned and try to follow the story you come across bullshit on all sides. How do you go from “Where’s Suri Cruise?” to “O and there’s a little genocide in the middle east going down.” I am the only one who has a problem with Suri Cruise being the top news story? I sometimes wonder if Carlos is winning, my tolerance is fading much faster than I could ever imagine. I watch as a shitty plan to begin with unfolds to an even shittier one. Really I’m nothing but amazed as the world watches the beginning of the end come into creation all around them. Israel verse the middle east is the rest of the worlds doing. Yet our response is that of a father dealing with an ill conceived child. Ignoring it will not make it go away.
Meanwhile a two year old child looking for attention fires seven missiles into the Pacific Ocean on the day his intended target celebrates its freedom and what happens. We stare at him and ask, “Have you seen Suri Cruise?” Fuck me. I mean we see it right, the coming downfall. As the top dog in the world we will soon be just another country, sad too. How in such a short time a country with so much pride and resolve can go to a country of ignorance and well hell if I can label it. We act like we forgot how we got to where we are. If you believe that force is not the answer and we can solve the problems of the world with money or discussion, I suggest you have several kids. That’s the only way I can point out all the flaws with this plan. No daycare, no boarding schools, just you the parent and several kids all day everyday. Remember to do nothing but talk and had them money. None of that time out shit either. Economic sanctions don’t help, they simply point out how much better we are than everyone else. The point of them I guess is to hurt the government in control. In reality it simply allows that controlling power to enrage its people against you.
Is it just me? Doesn’t anyone else see how this comes out in the end? Of course we are losing our friends over seas. We’ve become the stupid idealistic friend who is constantly minutes away from getting his ass kicked. We’re trying to use our domestic pacification program (Aka Hollywood, and the financial stature game) on the rest of the world. Problem is their smarter than we are. They see it for the smoke and mirrors that it is. Point being is everyone else see’s us unraveling and their not going to fall with us.
As much as you would like to believe we are all more enlightened than the rest of the world remember that we are far from it. China has some of the most intelligent and creative minds in the world. It also has the largest land army. In the core of every person lies it’s nature its need to dominate and destroy anything that threatens is survival. I said Destroy, not work with or pacify. A subdued enemy is still an enemy.
So we got to where we are by fighting and winning. Just like every successful civilization (Rome, Egypt, Russia, England, France and so on.) All the top countries kicked the shit out of everyone else. It’s how we know who the top dog is. (I know you think I’m being ignorant. Fuck you look in the mirror.) So we followed this very pattern ourselves, up until Vietnam, then we lost. I promise you if we had asserted on will and fought our hearts out we would be in a much better place now. We didn’t and thus we showed we can be beaten. It’s amazing, but that’s all it takes. To be at the top of your game and suffer just one knockout and everyone starts smelling the blood. The only reason no one with any real power has smack use down yet is because of two things. One; we could very well throw a tempter tantrum and blow the whole fucking planet up on the way down. Two; we are a fighter who has lost his will, not a fighter who can’t win. No one wants to be the one to see if the giant is sleeping.
Maybe one day we as a people will see that power gives you the ability to speak and be listened to. I’m still awed by the fact that for so long we were the Cowboys of the world, and instead of playing that up we tell everyone cowboys take it in the ass and are ignorant fools. No other country would demean its own icon.
I have to stop now before Carlos takes complete control.
Peace is something that goes against human nature and thus must be forced on others.
C D fading out.
05:01 AM - July 15, 2006 - {0} - -
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Everyone has something that does it for them. Something that just sends them over the edge, that they crave and need just to feel. That’s sex for me, I love it, and it gets to the point that it’s all I can think about. I know everyone loves sex, but my love is an obsession. Like everything though it gets to a point, a little turns into more and more. Then the amount is second to the perversion, which gets more and more fucked up as each day passes. The only fucking remedy is to simply stop and let the beast starve awhile. That way once it’s feed again, it doesn’t care what food it gets just as long as it eats. I fucking hate that part.
That’s where I should be now. I’m not; I should be though, for my wife’s sake. Hell, for my sake. I hate the wait though, I despise it! Like a kid in a candy store with no money. Someone’s getting jacked! My wife plays her part well, though I do reach her limit quickly. It’s the perversion she hates. Simply fucking a lot she doesn’t mind. But the perversion, that’s when she can only go so far. Me, fuck it, is there a limit? I have yet to find it, and I’ve been looking real hard. Don’t get the wrong idea; I’m not into me and another dude or anything like that. My fucking perversion always requires a chick. Now I’ve met people a lot more fucked up about sex than me, for that I’m glad.
If you ever met me you’d wonder just how I got laid the first time. Then there’s, how I get to do some sick shit to some beautiful women. Fuck if I know pure luck I’d guess. It’s rarely ended well, most of the time there’s some regret in the end on someone’s part. Then there are the chicks who are down for everything. I love these, dumb bitches. They go deep down the rabbit hole always looking for the end, trying to show how fucked up they can be. Most of the time they last for a week or two, once they find that the hole just keeps getting deeper and I seem to be more at home in the deep end than the shallow they start to look for a way out. It’s all good, by then I’m bored with them anyway.
I’ve had great lays, good lays, bad lays and everything in between. Strippers, everyone thinks strippers are great in bed. Some are ok, most are just warm bodies waiting for you to finish so they can get to the next guy’s wallet. Very few strippers are actually sexual people. They’re whores, for the most part, they are like every other working person out there; they do just enough to get paid. I did know a dancer that was going to kill me by crushing my pelvis; she was fun but far from the best.
I don’t cheat on my wife; we already went though that phase before we got married. I think she was looking for someone normal; I was looking to sate the beast. In the end she found that normal is to tame for her now. As for me I found that I can never satisfy the beast, he will only grow hungrier. So I came up with my starvation plan.
I have fucked some wonderful women, and to each of them I say “thank you”
10:00 AM - June 1, 2006 - {0} - -
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This is my dark house, I place where I live; the creation of a man who bottled all the thoughts he no longer wanted or cared for. I am his alter ego, born from his inability to handle his haunts and desires. He is a man with a family, who tries to find acceptance in a world where his stature is a simple man of no importance. A place he feels foreign in, a place he doesn’t understand. This was my prison, the back of this simpletons mind. I have been trying to free myself for quite sometime, bleeding into his dreams and effecting his surrounding. I create problems for him to fix just to give him a sense of purpose. I am the underline cause in his ability to still maintain a sense of pride and placement. If it were not for me he would unravel. I am the energy that powers him.
I would have stayed in my cage indefinitely slowly growing more discontent until the war between us grew to big to be confined in his mind and… well something neither of us would have wanted. I would guess it would only leave him in a worse situation.
This way however I can be freed, without effecting his surrounding. I am something his wife and friends would not understand. I am something he could never truly kill and forget. I was freed because of a chance meeting with someone, one of the reasons I eventually came about showed up at just the right time. We both knew I had to be released somewhere. So here I am… a simple blog but still better than the darkness of neglect. Here I can tell my views, here I am in control. If only he could type faster, so much of me wouldn’t be lost.
“She turns me on, she makes me real. I have to apologize for the way I feel. And nothing can stop me now, there's nothing to fear, and everything I’d ever want is inside of here.”
Hi, you can call me Carlos
04:59 AM - June 1, 2006 - {0} - -
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