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.......now I got it all wrong
.......your seemingly veiled thoughts
had sprung out of its cocoon
spinning beautifully
right before my eyes
and I was drawn to its
rhythmic dancing
.......i follow your gaze
i follow your breathing aura
only to be swallowed
by your gloomy
shadow…
.......so far…so distant…
such pulsating coldness
embroidered in your wings
pricking my skin
pricking my soul
as you continue
weaving words of
indifference
.......head throbbing
heart sobbing
i begin to disentangle myself
from your masterfully woven
isolation
and carefully-written
lies.......and lies.....
before I begin to taste
the bitterness
in your mouth
-thanks for the pic janus-
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Posted: 12:13 PM, May 27, 2008 in of relationships |
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sometimes I'd like to
crush your thoughts
and throw them to a pit
or hide them somewhere far
so you won't go looking for them
sometimes I'd like to burn your dreams
so they become just ashes
and bury them in some
harsh-drenched ground
away from your reach
sometimes I'd like to see you submit
to life's atrocities
and bow to its control
over your adamant yearning
and hard-wearing guise
or maybe
just maybe
all I really just want
is to see you cry,
just see you cry,
and turn to me for strength
sometimes...
even just sometimes...
-thanks for the pic fireball- |
Posted: 04:43 AM, November 17, 2007 in of relationships |
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i write to say sorry for all those years….. i know those were not what you can call the easy years…. i was hard on you and to myself…. i won’t feel bad if you harbor a grudge towards me......i will accept every word you want to say to me.....i need it….i need to know how you feel about my neglecting you and your love for quite sometime…......it was a misunderstanding and i don’t wanna go into details anymore….. every bit of those days were too painful for me and for you also….. there are things better left unsaid….. they don’t matter anymore…. they are a part of the past and there is no use bringing them back......old wounds will only be opened......old scars will only surface and old hurts will only be felt again…..we leave them behind…..it is much better that way…. there is an end…a closure….. i have already buried my old self.....my old self that hatred you then......for me, there was no more need for it.......things are already peaceful now......this is much better……we breathe…..in harmony…. no more damaging words thrown at each other......no more piercing gazes with eyes devoid of love…..i write to say thank you…..for giving me life.....for the nurturing….. sometimes i ask how you manage to do it…… don’t you ever get tired?.......don’t you ever complain?......but you never said a word….. not even once…. i write to say i love you…..i know i never say these words to you….. But i know that you know how much i love you so......and i know that you feel it everyday in your heart……you are my mother and i am your child……. and i write to say i love you......i write to say i love you…. -For mama…..Happy Mother’s Day- |
Posted: 01:44 AM, July 9, 2007 in of relationships |
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everyday it seems, you’re going farther and farther away from me….i reach out…..you move back….and you never seem to realize that it hurts me so to see you drifting away….is there someone else?...do you not love me anymore?....you don’t know how much it pains me to not see the love in your eyes anymore……in the way you speak, in the way you move…in the way you look into my eyes….you make me feel like a stranger…..uninvited…unwanted….so many things I’d like to say to you but could not find the right words to say… you spend time with me but your heart and mind are left somewhere else….i smile and laugh with your stories but deep inside you just don’t know how much I am hurting….you never took the time to listen….you only give me a fraction of your time…you make promises you can’t keep……. i can never compete with your friends and career, they are yours to keep…..your attitude pushes me to just content myself to wait in line behind them…I never complain…… I get jealous whenever you talk fondly of your friends….how you’re having fun hanging out with them…..how they make you laugh with their stories….it makes me think that I bore you and you would rather wish you’re with them instead of spending time with me……. everytime we’re together I would always pray for those moments to last…..but they never do…I guess my prayers aren’t enough…….you say you love me all the time……but I know they have become stored programs inside your mind…..saying without really meaning it…..they have become words without meaning…. you complain that I seldom say I love you…you never bother to notice how I say those words to you….in the way I hug you….laugh with you…..listen to your stories….forgive your shortcomings…..call you every night…..pray for you…..kiss you….smile at you….hold your hand……think of you…..say sorry………those are my little “i-love-yous” to you…..you never realize that……you wouldn’t let yourself…… there are so many thinks i’d like to say to you…….but couldn’t make you listen…. and there are so many things I’d like to ask you….. but cannot….i am afraid of the answers……. why do I have to stand in line just to own a fraction of your time?…..when it should have been mine……even just for a while…. |
Posted: 01:39 AM, July 9, 2007 in of relationships |
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Turning the knob on the door
I sense your presence inside the room
have you been to a merry-go-round chase again?
or did you content yourself with playing
hide-and-seek?
there is nothing wrong with resisting
it shows our willpower
but you seem not to exercise your freedom
to feel happiness and contentment
what seems to be missing?
I still could not figure you out
even after all these years
you are not supposed to be in this way
and I am not supposed to be in this way
we’ve been through all these
and we are back to square one again
and somehow we become stuck in the middle
of all these chaotic phases of uncertainty
I reach out
you fall back
and we play tug-of-war again
for the millionth time
playing name-the-happy-memories
no longer fills our afternoons
even the coffee table at the attic
could no longer utter our names
least of all tell some things about us
we become blank canvasses
and you made it happen
and you dragged me into it
inside your isolated world
and I became a part of it
unintentionally
I still could not figure you out
even after all these years
you are not supposed to be in this way
and I am not supposed to be in this way
-thanks for the pic syn-
we
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Posted: 11:54 PM, March 20, 2007 in of relationships |
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by the moonlight
through the shadow
a silhouette. . .a faded dream
a memory remains. . . .in solitude
hiding. . .mourning
for the love that died
a lifetime ago
through all the pain
and all the doubts I have
i hear a crying voice inside
the loneliness
still lingers in my heart
i see you far away
numbed of emotion
of senses
of love
for me
let me touch your heart once again
and bring back the beating
for the love we once knew and caressed
help me make it real
be my refuge
amidst this weary agony
conquer now my soul
embrace this heart with the love
that I have longed for
many moonlit nights over
tonight
i ask
why
i am
alone again
waiting for the love that never came
trying hard to find
every reason why
the love that binds us
thousands upon thousands of years ago
had suddenly woven by itself
in disentanglements
loosening the ties
finally. . . .
losing the us
still
I ask
why
i am
alone again
waiting for a love that was never real
a façade
a disguised emotion you painted
dissolving my heart
into one of your still life portraits
numbed of emotion
of senses
of love
left to hang in a corner
darkened by your blank stares
tonight
left with a damaged heart
i begin to fade
tonight
buried deeper still
and with nothing left to hang on
i begin to fade
the loneliness is tearing me apart
take my hand
and sing to me of this thing
called love
tonight
tonight
tonight
by the moonlight
through the shadow
a silhouette. . .
a faded dream
my memory
-thanks for the pic alexei-
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Posted: 04:38 PM, November 14, 2006 in of relationships |
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Do you still remember?
It was not so long ago
When you brought me back from the darkness
In your eyes I saw my salvation
In your heart I felt my own longing
For the love
That I have suppressed a million times
Over and over…..
But why couldn’t you love me
The way I want you to?
Why couldn’t I let you go
The way you want me to?
If love is meant forever
Why couldn’t I stay by your side?
For eternity?
If every heartbeat belongs to someone
Why couldn’t I have yours?
Forever?
If every soul is meant for another
Why couldn’t mine complete yours?
Every single day?
If every embrace is meant to be cherished
Why couldn’t I wish for it?
Even just for a single moment?
If every grasp has its own to caress
Why couldn’t I hold you?
Even in my dreams?
If memories are meant to be treasured
Why couldn’t we have one?
Even just in passing?
If a kiss is meant to be shared
Why couldn’t I long for yours?
Even just for a while?
It was not so long ago
When you brought me back from the darkness
In your eyes I saw my salvation
In your heart I felt my own longing
Do you still remember?
Or was it just me………………dreaming?
-thanks for the pic che- |
Posted: 10:16 PM, July 31, 2006 in of relationships |
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lamenting memories...........
take me back in time.....................
Thinking back.
I remember.
How you’ve always
been there.
Willingly, lovingly,
for me
every step of the way.
Somehow,
life’s burden
seems shallow
and bearable.
Where I’ve been
there you where.
Extending a hand.
To help me stand.
Memories.
Would have never
been better
meaningful
worth remembering if you haven’t
been.
A part.
From the start.
Time may pass.
With no words uttered
to each other.
But we both know.
We do.
That words
are never enough.
For me to say.
In every way.
What a wonderful life.
It is.
For the reason.
That you are
holding my hand
and i am holding unto yours
the whole time.
The tie that binds.
Us.
Still remains.
And has
always been
there though unseen.
We alone.
Know.
We alone.
Understand.
How a smile
from a brother.
Even from a mile
away.
Can turn
each day
into something.
Worth living.
Into something
Worth remembering.
A smile.
A helping hand
From you
Helps me get through
The rough times
Every moment with
You
Is a treasure anew
Somehow it seems
I am blessed
And I feel that life
Is complete
Because you are near
And here
Always with a loving heart
Always.
We may not talk
Every minute, every day
But still
I wanna say
Your being there
Is already enough
And there’s nothing more
Fulfilling
Than to know
That I have found
That comfort
And love
In you
My brother
My friend....
-thanks for the pic mammuth-
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Posted: 02:56 PM, July 19, 2006 in of relationships |
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you didn’t think I would care…
you just threw away the memories like some crumpled papers….
and I was left to gather them….
you didn’t even have the decency to erase the unwanted writings and confess your thoughts….
you left me still stringing your final words to decipher what you really meant……
like a sickening scene of a blind and lost fool
and a lifeless portrait hanging by……
i was hurt.…..
my notion of an eternity with you suddenly went unnoticed……
and I didn’t see it coming….
i was blinded by your sham cover-up…..
you were good at it……
and you made me believe…….
but now…….
you no longer hold much of the memories I used to embrace…….
you became the shadow…
the silhouette…..
and I hope you remain that way….
i have already buried your pretentious love….
one rainy evening….
and sealed our so-called love story with a vengeful incantation….
with your promise of eternity burned….
and left for dead……..
and I was left with the dusts of the remains……
for some times hollowness set in…..
other times it was depression……
the interchanging emotions marked my life for the longest while…..
but i have been in my lucid mind now.....and recovering…….
and have already sealed the bad memories with forgetting spells……
time became my companion
my hermitical ally....
and time made me see….
that you were just….
a passing fancy….
after all……………..
-thanks for the pic Tim- |
Posted: 01:30 PM, July 18, 2006 in of relationships |
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Maybe it was because of illogical rationale that did it, or maybe it was not. Sometimes a mind can play tricks and distinguishing one real from another sham takes longer than expected. A bogus reasoning sheds its skin and can appear real to a baffled mind. And a phony affection, even more so. She thought it was real, only to be confronted by the truth --- that reality is not that common a word. And we only see things in the nature that we want them to be. The irony of situations. Many are blinded.
She has always associated emotions to alley dead-ends and torn photographs. A no way out and a lifeless representation. She is a rock, she would always say, and no one can tear her apart…but she was wrong and fooled. Staring at the canvas for so long rendered her senses numbed and hollowed. She was just a vain pursuant of a silhouette masterpiece in the dark. Traces of senseless theories and stupid fabrication continued hounding her, bringing her to her knees. She was being robbed of her freedom to liberate herself from the ravaging armies of hollowness. She was living a zombie’s life. Non-existent, unreal and in desperation. Behind the fancy words were strings of cobwebs and lies. She held on to these lies and was dragged into the abyss. For months, she had shut her eyes and mind closed. She refused to confront the predicament she was going through. She thought that by so doing, peace and silence would somehow appear from her very eyes, embracing her once again. She had waited and waited in vain, living every minute of the day in a daze.
And then…
Bullets of shame rattled away
Smashing the hidden walls
Tearing the suffocating halls
Rendering fear in dismay
From shambles, she has finally reawakened. The living symbol of an outcry from turmoil. Moments of disastrous misrepresentation of puissance halted. A self reborn and uncoiled.
Saving her took awhile, and still will. The ring of life continues. Still.
And as she looked into the mirror, I saw myself staring back.
-thanks for the pic rob- |
Posted: 09:22 AM, April 13, 2006 in of relationships |
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Continuing the everyday monotonous routine releases my paradise to a mundane still life portrait. This is not supposed to be. This is not life is supposed to be. The blood in my veins seemed to have been stuck up, clotted, still, and unmoving. Preventing the flow of energy and strength and killing the sound of the beat…until vibration ceases. I have been told many times over to emerge from this deep turmoil I have created…as if the ascent would just be an effortless materialization out of nowhere. I do not even have the luxury of making decisions for myself. I have already told them that time is all I need to accomplish something I dearly consider a magnitude leap - - coming back to life after a damaged heart. And taking that next big step is very much like aiming for that elusive victory. I am no quitter when it comes to confronting the hidden demons inside me. I just need time. And bargaining for Mr. Time takes longer than I expected. He is a wanderer and so am I. We never seem to chance upon each other in every subways and roads we roam. Until now, I am still taking into consideration the notion to recuperate, my notion to recuperate. This hollowness seems to be creeping slowly to my very soul now. Edging its way to the very core of my being.
I do not like explaining myself to people. Most of them would not understand the way I choose to deal with my tribulations anyway. This dangling notion I am having is not a reflection of any hesitation to face life but of my cautious step to saving myself and what is left of it. I have been ripped off of my freedom to feel emotion and be enveloped by it. I was caught off-guard, unprepared. My induced deafness to advices rendered me paralyzed emotionally. I alone am to be blamed for it. I was blinded by the vision of eternal happiness from an opaque mirror. Blinded and fooled. Yes, fooled - a tag I have been wearing for such a long time now. I am no different from an individual who finds refuge in a solitary confinement. I, myself am doing it also. The only difference is, mine is self-voluntary. I have my fears of what is waiting outside for me, of what to expect when I finally decide to end my self-exile status.
to be continued........
-thanks for the pic lum-
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Posted: 10:28 AM, April 3, 2006 in of relationships |
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