May 27, 2008 - or so i thought.....
Posted by daysleeper
.......now I got it all wrong
.......your seemingly veiled thoughts
had sprung out of its cocoon
spinning beautifully
right before my eyes
and I was drawn to its
rhythmic dancing
.......i follow your gaze
i follow your breathing aura
only to be swallowed
by your gloomy
shadow…
.......so far…so distant…
such pulsating coldness
embroidered in your wings
pricking my skin
pricking my soul
as you continue
weaving words of
indifference
.......head throbbing
heart sobbing
i begin to disentangle myself
from your masterfully woven
isolation
and carefully-written
lies.......and lies.....
before I begin to taste
the bitterness
in your mouth
-thanks for the pic janus-
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November 17, 2007 - just sometimes......
Posted by daysleeper
sometimes I'd like to
crush your thoughts
and throw them to a pit
or hide them somewhere far
so you won't go looking for them
sometimes I'd like to burn your dreams
so they become just ashes
and bury them in some
harsh-drenched ground
away from your reach
sometimes I'd like to see you submit
to life's atrocities
and bow to its control
over your adamant yearning
and hard-wearing guise
or maybe
just maybe
all I really just want
is to see you cry,
just see you cry,
and turn to me for strength
sometimes...
even just sometimes...
-thanks for the pic fireball-
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September 19, 2007 - just wanna say that.....
Posted by daysleeper
i like you....you know
this is not something i take as nonsense
because i really do like you...
really......
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July 9, 2007 - and you love me......still
Posted by daysleeper
i write to say sorry for all those years….. i know those were not what you can call the easy years…. i was hard on you and to myself…. i won’t feel bad if you harbor a grudge towards me......i will accept every word you want to say to me.....i need it….i need to know how you feel about my neglecting you and your love for quite sometime…......it was a misunderstanding and i don’t wanna go into details anymore….. every bit of those days were too painful for me and for you also….. there are things better left unsaid….. they don’t matter anymore…. they are a part of the past and there is no use bringing them back......old wounds will only be opened......old scars will only surface and old hurts will only be felt again…..we leave them behind…..it is much better that way…. there is an end…a closure….. i have already buried my old self.....my old self that hatred you then......for me, there was no more need for it.......things are already peaceful now......this is much better……we breathe…..in harmony…. no more damaging words thrown at each other......no more piercing gazes with eyes devoid of love…..i write to say thank you…..for giving me life.....for the nurturing….. sometimes i ask how you manage to do it…… don’t you ever get tired?.......don’t you ever complain?......but you never said a word….. not even once…. i write to say i love you…..i know i never say these words to you….. But i know that you know how much i love you so......and i know that you feel it everyday in your heart……you are my mother and i am your child……. and i write to say i love you......i write to say i love you…. -For mama…..Happy Mother’s Day-
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July 9, 2007 - of love......a letter
Posted by daysleeper
everyday it seems, you’re going farther and farther away from me….i reach out…..you move back….and you never seem to realize that it hurts me so to see you drifting away….is there someone else?...do you not love me anymore?....you don’t know how much it pains me to not see the love in your eyes anymore……in the way you speak, in the way you move…in the way you look into my eyes….you make me feel like a stranger…..uninvited…unwanted….so many things I’d like to say to you but could not find the right words to say… you spend time with me but your heart and mind are left somewhere else….i smile and laugh with your stories but deep inside you just don’t know how much I am hurting….you never took the time to listen….you only give me a fraction of your time…you make promises you can’t keep……. i can never compete with your friends and career, they are yours to keep…..your attitude pushes me to just content myself to wait in line behind them…I never complain…… I get jealous whenever you talk fondly of your friends….how you’re having fun hanging out with them…..how they make you laugh with their stories….it makes me think that I bore you and you would rather wish you’re with them instead of spending time with me……. everytime we’re together I would always pray for those moments to last…..but they never do…I guess my prayers aren’t enough…….you say you love me all the time……but I know they have become stored programs inside your mind…..saying without really meaning it…..they have become words without meaning…. you complain that I seldom say I love you…you never bother to notice how I say those words to you….in the way I hug you….laugh with you…..listen to your stories….forgive your shortcomings…..call you every night…..pray for you…..kiss you….smile at you….hold your hand……think of you…..say sorry………those are my little “i-love-yous” to you…..you never realize that……you wouldn’t let yourself…… there are so many thinks i’d like to say to you…….but couldn’t make you listen…. and there are so many things I’d like to ask you….. but cannot….i am afraid of the answers……. why do I have to stand in line just to own a fraction of your time?…..when it should have been mine……even just for a while….
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March 20, 2007 - inventing isolation
Posted by daysleeper
Turning the knob on the door
I sense your presence inside the room
have you been to a merry-go-round chase again?
or did you content yourself with playing
hide-and-seek?
there is nothing wrong with resisting
it shows our willpower
but you seem not to exercise your freedom
to feel happiness and contentment
what seems to be missing?
I still could not figure you out
even after all these years
you are not supposed to be in this way
and I am not supposed to be in this way
we’ve been through all these
and we are back to square one again
and somehow we become stuck in the middle
of all these chaotic phases of uncertainty
I reach out
you fall back
and we play tug-of-war again
for the millionth time
playing name-the-happy-memories
no longer fills our afternoons
even the coffee table at the attic
could no longer utter our names
least of all tell some things about us
we become blank canvasses
and you made it happen
and you dragged me into it
inside your isolated world
and I became a part of it
unintentionally
I still could not figure you out
even after all these years
you are not supposed to be in this way
and I am not supposed to be in this way
-thanks for the pic syn-
we
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February 21, 2007 - my name is blue balloon.........
Posted by daysleeper
sometimes we become visitors of chaotic phases in life
the times when we come to revere the so-called power of heroin
and embrace the dominant face of alcohol
many people have signed their names to these addictions
and failed to erase their signatures after
and they remained…..parts of the sham relationship….
unable to break away from the inviting smiles of these vices
till they can no longer unlock the chains
and become prisoners of forsaken lives….eventually
they become passive
and choose co-existence…and pay for more
in exchange for another glass….another smoke….
to get them through another day….
finally neglecting the life they once knew…
and drown and let themselves be led
by the evil hands…..
till they become blind
and powerless to decide….
and turn away from the temptations….
the mind then becomes a jumble
and begins the ride
with addiction’s philosophy taking the wheel
till the human body becomes just an unmoving object
devoured of its sense of understanding
addiction invites the presence of hallucination and illusion
and finally the breath of death….
to take hold of the territory
the poor souls who are not able to combat the masks
are seen behind bars…
chaos finally taking over their minds….
and reinventing evil becomes their everyday mantra
they begin to portray the script of evil’s success
and its dominion over idle minds
they become the living portraits
woven with every stroke of its hands……
and within a fraction of a time
they become its obra maestro……
in many reformed houses
we also see products of these addictions
people who are finally taking the lead this time
to resist…..
their eyes mirror their everyday struggles
to be free of the ghosts of their mistakes
they long to be cleansed of the forbidden chemicals running through their blood
and taking over their senses…..
they long to be back to the time in their lives
when these addictions were merely strangers
they choose to ignore…..
the faceless forms of hollowness
crowding the dark subways…..and street corners
when the lights go out….
every minute they force themselves to be rid
of the twisted halo in their minds
that is imprisoning the senses
the hollowness must be trapped and put into exile
and so the mind assumes the task
of a determined mercenary
to finally capture the elusive enemy
and regain the even more elusive victory
my name is blue balloon ……..
i am the soul behind bars….
i am the soul in many reformed houses…..
i am……
all of them
i am blue balloon …..
-thanks for the pic john-
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November 14, 2006 - moonlight sonata (alone)
Posted by daysleeper
by the moonlight
through the shadow
a silhouette. . .a faded dream
a memory remains. . . .in solitude
hiding. . .mourning
for the love that died
a lifetime ago
through all the pain
and all the doubts I have
i hear a crying voice inside
the loneliness
still lingers in my heart
i see you far away
numbed of emotion
of senses
of love
for me
let me touch your heart once again
and bring back the beating
for the love we once knew and caressed
help me make it real
be my refuge
amidst this weary agony
conquer now my soul
embrace this heart with the love
that I have longed for
many moonlit nights over
tonight
i ask
why
i am
alone again
waiting for the love that never came
trying hard to find
every reason why
the love that binds us
thousands upon thousands of years ago
had suddenly woven by itself
in disentanglements
loosening the ties
finally. . . .
losing the us
still
I ask
why
i am
alone again
waiting for a love that was never real
a façade
a disguised emotion you painted
dissolving my heart
into one of your still life portraits
numbed of emotion
of senses
of love
left to hang in a corner
darkened by your blank stares
tonight
left with a damaged heart
i begin to fade
tonight
buried deeper still
and with nothing left to hang on
i begin to fade
the loneliness is tearing me apart
take my hand
and sing to me of this thing
called love
tonight
tonight
tonight
by the moonlight
through the shadow
a silhouette. . .
a faded dream
my memory
-thanks for the pic alexei-
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July 31, 2006 - strumming emotions...
Posted by daysleeper
Do you still remember?
It was not so long ago
When you brought me back from the darkness
In your eyes I saw my salvation
In your heart I felt my own longing
For the love
That I have suppressed a million times
Over and over…..
But why couldn’t you love me
The way I want you to?
Why couldn’t I let you go
The way you want me to?
If love is meant forever
Why couldn’t I stay by your side?
For eternity?
If every heartbeat belongs to someone
Why couldn’t I have yours?
Forever?
If every soul is meant for another
Why couldn’t mine complete yours?
Every single day?
If every embrace is meant to be cherished
Why couldn’t I wish for it?
Even just for a single moment?
If every grasp has its own to caress
Why couldn’t I hold you?
Even in my dreams?
If memories are meant to be treasured
Why couldn’t we have one?
Even just in passing?
If a kiss is meant to be shared
Why couldn’t I long for yours?
Even just for a while?
It was not so long ago
When you brought me back from the darkness
In your eyes I saw my salvation
In your heart I felt my own longing
Do you still remember?
Or was it just me………………dreaming?
-thanks for the pic che-
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July 19, 2006 - remembering.....
Posted by daysleeper
lamenting memories...........
take me back in time.....................
Thinking back.
I remember.
How you’ve always
been there.
Willingly, lovingly,
for me
every step of the way.
Somehow,
life’s burden
seems shallow
and bearable.
Where I’ve been
there you where.
Extending a hand.
To help me stand.
Memories.
Would have never
been better
meaningful
worth remembering if you haven’t
been.
A part.
From the start.
Time may pass.
With no words uttered
to each other.
But we both know.
We do.
That words
are never enough.
For me to say.
In every way.
What a wonderful life.
It is.
For the reason.
That you are
holding my hand
and i am holding unto yours
the whole time.
The tie that binds.
Us.
Still remains.
And has
always been
there though unseen.
We alone.
Know.
We alone.
Understand.
How a smile
from a brother.
Even from a mile
away.
Can turn
each day
into something.
Worth living.
Into something
Worth remembering.
A smile.
A helping hand
From you
Helps me get through
The rough times
Every moment with
You
Is a treasure anew
Somehow it seems
I am blessed
And I feel that life
Is complete
Because you are near
And here
Always with a loving heart
Always.
We may not talk
Every minute, every day
But still
I wanna say
Your being there
Is already enough
And there’s nothing more
Fulfilling
Than to know
That I have found
That comfort
And love
In you
My brother
My friend....
-thanks for the pic mammuth-
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July 18, 2006 - time a-passing (taking my time and making the most out of it)
Posted by daysleeper
you didn’t think I would care…
you just threw away the memories like some crumpled papers….
and I was left to gather them….
you didn’t even have the decency to erase the unwanted writings and confess your thoughts….
you left me still stringing your final words to decipher what you really meant……
like a sickening scene of a blind and lost fool
and a lifeless portrait hanging by……
i was hurt.…..
my notion of an eternity with you suddenly went unnoticed……
and I didn’t see it coming….
i was blinded by your sham cover-up…..
you were good at it……
and you made me believe…….
but now…….
you no longer hold much of the memories I used to embrace…….
you became the shadow…
the silhouette…..
and I hope you remain that way….
i have already buried your pretentious love….
one rainy evening….
and sealed our so-called love story with a vengeful incantation….
with your promise of eternity burned….
and left for dead……..
and I was left with the dusts of the remains……
for some times hollowness set in…..
other times it was depression……
the interchanging emotions marked my life for the longest while…..
but i have been in my lucid mind now.....and recovering…….
and have already sealed the bad memories with forgetting spells……
time became my companion
my hermitical ally....
and time made me see….
that you were just….
a passing fancy….
after all……………..
-thanks for the pic Tim-
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July 16, 2006 - do i have to say thank you to another dose of caffeine? (in coffee that is)
Posted by daysleeper
I was never a coffee addict until my best friend introduced me to caffeine addiction…now I am hooked…cant seem to get enough of the aroma and heavenly taste….at home, at work, caffeine is my medicine…..give me some more….its a good thing caffeine is not taken through other means like intramuscularly or intravenously……if it is I would have been the number one candidate for skin surgery because of full-scarred body…..sign me up for a full body reconstruction doctor….eeww…..so morbid….and to think I like watching horror movies….films with blood scattered all over…..but of course if its my body that they’re gonna do some incision here and there…..that’s another story…..ill say adios and run right away…..caffeine at night is the best…..under the starry moonlit sky…..i am not the romantic sort of individual but…..with caffeine…suddenly I see the sky with so much loving aura…..ill give you the moon and the stars if youll say yes…..hmmmm……the usual guy crap…..how about a big ranch? And tour around the world? Will you give those to me too?......hehehe….you see im not really the material type of girl….just a reality-thinker…i mean……c’mon man…..just promise me something that can be done without hocus pocus and magic……you cannot give me that moon and stars up there…..what would happen to my late night caffeine moments under the starry moonlit night huh?.........caffeine invigorates my system…..well if you can call can’t-sleep hours invigorating…..and big black eye bags all over….might as well try that make-up thing-y…..or I could just go to work right away and scare them and have them fulfill their dreams of seeing a real mummy in jeans and shirt for the first time….get away from us…..you…you….mummy!!!.....now im in a scary movie…..hmmmm….i don’t like the idea kiddo…….might as well paint my face in black and join the cult three blocks from where I live…..but I don’t wanna be chosen as their sacrifice either so I have to pass also…..am I still talking about caffeine?.....not anymore?....wheww….might have slipped from my mind…..so back to caffeine…..i have to tell you this…..honestly, the first time I drank coffee…..many years ago…..i slept right away because of head pain…..but that was history….now I embrace caffeine….drinking caffeine also eases heartbreaks……..”swing swing from the tangles of, my heart is crushed by a former love, can you help me find a way to carry on again”……singing through the song with a cup of coffee in hand and dancing to the beat….man…..treasured moments….minus the tears I have to say……never cried through those breakups…..overly that is…..i move on……caffeine also brings back memories of me and my dad….i was his coffee maker when im home…..black with just a teaspoon of sugar…..yup pop…..right away….. pop was a caffeine addict also…..every minute…guess its in the blood…..some kind of a genetic make-up maybe……passed on and inherited by future generations……and I belong to the lucky ones…..caffeine also warms me up…..especially in cold weather……nothing is more calmer during a rainy season than sitting by the window drinking coffee and staring at the raindrops outside….makes you want to go outside and let those droplets caress your skin…….as long as you are one healthy individual with superb resistance……..otherwise……you’ll be confined in the hospital with recurring colds and headaches throughout the year…….not a good picture I should say………caffeine is also good for meeting and gaining new friends…..wow!! you like coffee too? Whats your favorite? Mine is black…yeah, me too!!!........and the conversation by the coffeeshop moves on to constant phone calls and other things….next thing you know…..you already have a family!!!!.......great!!!....great????......okay…..erase….erase….erase..........caffeine is also an energy drink……it’ll provide you amazing energy and strength to fight sleep that is……so to the insomniacs out there…….cheers!!!.........
To be continued…..
-thanks for the pic ipy-
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June 2, 2006 - the decayed life, the forsaken hope, and the theory of a departed.......
Posted by daysleeper
Being dragged down from the self-constructed pedestal finally injected the sound of my being human after all. Gone were the imaginings and pretentious beings that devoured the sense of life and reality in me. I was led into a worn-out path, where the mantra I came to acclaim left me in vain and without an aim Where songs can no longer be heard except for the theory of a departed. And breaking away from the monotonous portrait of a decayed life, rendered me bait to the subliminal atrocities of the demented crowd. Adopting the hours of hiding the scars from the madding eyes and the veiled lies of the tyrants who took jubilation in my descent. A forsaken life I embraced. Where the only reality imparted was the theory of a departed. Stringed words in vain the theory of a departed hanging by a thread conjuring hope for the sane and lucid minds. But somehow it seems that my induced deafness has left nothing but, lamenting memories and remnants of the incantations I used to exalt. Of the wisdom left behind by my father, Embedded in the theory of a departed.
-thanks for the pic tolga-
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April 26, 2006 - unsung heroes
Posted by daysleeper
silence and stillness envelop the place
as each pace taken symbolizes love
here, were men who have fought with blaze
reaching to us and to the above
with courage, they fought the battle alone
and in their eyes, never was a tear
waiting for the sun that never shone
and in their hearts, never was a fear
the echo of the bell was near and calm
signaling peace for the weary souls
in the air lingers every psalm
spoken from every tongue to recall
now only a part of history
each who had left everything for honor
and those who’ll no longer feel the agony
but praises for their humble valor
in the vast soil, there mightily stood
carved stones with names engraved
each symbolizing conquest and truth
and traces of lives that were saved
-dedicated to all the brave souls of wars-
-----thanks for the pic Dumitru-----
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April 13, 2006 - salvaging Saint No-name
Posted by daysleeper
Maybe it was because of illogical rationale that did it, or maybe it was not. Sometimes a mind can play tricks and distinguishing one real from another sham takes longer than expected. A bogus reasoning sheds its skin and can appear real to a baffled mind. And a phony affection, even more so. She thought it was real, only to be confronted by the truth --- that reality is not that common a word. And we only see things in the nature that we want them to be. The irony of situations. Many are blinded.
She has always associated emotions to alley dead-ends and torn photographs. A no way out and a lifeless representation. She is a rock, she would always say, and no one can tear her apart…but she was wrong and fooled. Staring at the canvas for so long rendered her senses numbed and hollowed. She was just a vain pursuant of a silhouette masterpiece in the dark. Traces of senseless theories and stupid fabrication continued hounding her, bringing her to her knees. She was being robbed of her freedom to liberate herself from the ravaging armies of hollowness. She was living a zombie’s life. Non-existent, unreal and in desperation. Behind the fancy words were strings of cobwebs and lies. She held on to these lies and was dragged into the abyss. For months, she had shut her eyes and mind closed. She refused to confront the predicament she was going through. She thought that by so doing, peace and silence would somehow appear from her very eyes, embracing her once again. She had waited and waited in vain, living every minute of the day in a daze.
And then…
Bullets of shame rattled away
Smashing the hidden walls
Tearing the suffocating halls
Rendering fear in dismay
From shambles, she has finally reawakened. The living symbol of an outcry from turmoil. Moments of disastrous misrepresentation of puissance halted. A self reborn and uncoiled.
Saving her took awhile, and still will. The ring of life continues. Still.
And as she looked into the mirror, I saw myself staring back.
-thanks for the pic rob-
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April 5, 2006 - wrath of the aching lot
Posted by daysleeper
We abhor the supremacy Over death and poverty Aren’t you aware? Can you not hear? | |
