Smartpunters.com - Blog the Earth

Well it's been a while since I've done this.  Alot has transpired since the last entry.  I have been diagnosed with PolyCystic Kidney disease.  Which in it's self wouldn't have been too bad.  My blood tests were good at first.  No problem.  Doc said it could be 20 years until I needed to worry about things.....5 months later my blood test went from a Creatine level of 1 (normal) to a 4.1 ( about 25% kidney function).  Now I'm at a 5.1 and at 10% kidney function according to another test.  So, I'm awaiting family donor testing because I need a new kidney.  I know these things happen to young folk but being 37 with 3 kids still to raise makes this a very nerve-racking thing to deal with.

Not sure when the surgery will happen.  My dad tested, they are concerned with his highblood pressure and age so they don't want him as a donor.  My half-sister might test but she still wants to have kids so I can't have hers until she has the children she wants which could be a few years.  My cousin is in the process of testing now.  She is like my 5th cousin on my grandma's side so who knows about the compatibility.  My brother-in-law will test too for me.  I have some other people waiting in the wings, I guess.  Not family though so I don't know how that will work for compatibility.  I'm totally stressing the major surgery.  I'm a newb at the whole thing.  I have been fortunate to only have had minor surgery.  Been under general only twice in my lifetime. 

My mom has the disease. It popped up out of nowhere.  We couldn't really find anyone in the past family that has had any kidney problems or this specific disease.  My mom has had her dad's kidney for almost 14 years.  She had major problems with the meds though.  I know they have changed quite a bit and i won't be on even half of what she's on but I still am concerned about the side-effects, higher rate of cancer probability, low immune system.  It all sucks.  ( such an eloquent statement I know but seems appropriate).

Okay, right now, feeling really small, pathetic. My own fault of course. I have a spending habit. Thought I got through it all in Nov. when the family had to bail me out. Got chewed out and felt like sh## after my husband found out and was upset about me lying to him. Anyway, I vowed to never do it again. It wasn't real high the point being, we are trying to pay off the bills not create new ones.  Then I get a credit card offer in the mail. sent it in like an idiot. I rationalize, "I'll only use it when I need too and I can pay it right off".  Well that went badly. I'm paying it no problem, but then I started using the Target card I told my husband I closed.  Then I reopened another account. Than bam, back at 1000 in debt. Using some of my weekly allowance for the food and gas to pay the monthly payment.  Then, like I didn't think this would happen, my husband pulls up his credit report and it says he's 1200 in debt but the credit cards he knows about are all at zero balance.  Luckily for me he was out of town and called me.  So, I'm borrowing money again to pay it all off so that his credit will go up and we can get the house in our name.  Needless to say, he's pissed at me for lying again. 

Not sure how I got this way.  Used to be very responsible.  I worked, payed the bills and even saved for a car and computer once upon a time.  Now money is limited.  I'm on a budget and feel like I can't give the children what they need or want so I spend money I don't have.  Makes no sense.  I can't figure out why the stupid in me is so blatant lately.  I generally consider myself farely intelligent, at least until my last child. Seems the brain cells seriously deteriorated right after that.  Memory got so bad I was having panic attacks when I couldn't find my keys or something I just set down like 1 minute ago.  After nursing stopped it got better, but still had memory loss that seemed excessive.  Not caring about things in general seemed to be bad too. Didn't take any pride in the house, myself. Lost interest in my hobbies.  Figured it was depression.  Got on Lexapro for awhile, but my husband was adamantly against it, so then I didn't have the money from him to pay for the perscription.  I think it helped when I was on it.  I slept better, felt content with life.  Did housework without feeling like it was an endless cycle that served no purpose at all so why bother that much.  He, on the other hand, didn't notice anything, I guess.  He just thinks that I should be able to fix myself without any help.  I'm very happy for him that he has the self confidence to be able to do that.  I on the other hand do not.  I've had self-esteem issues since I was like 8 yr. old.  I'm 37 this year.

So I closed all the accounts, and told him I want to figure out why I'm doing this.  He asked if I was on any medication, I told him only the blood pressure meds I got on in Dec. due to a symptom of a hereditary kidney disease I just got diagnosed with.  He said maybe I should get off of them cuz they might be the problem but I told him the problems started way before those meds.  So he'll blame the medicine for screwing me up but doesn't think meds would help?!?  He comes home tonight so this should be fun. (she said with major sarcasm).  You know for a person who has always hated being treated like a child I sure as hell always put myself in that position.  My subconscious must be having a field day making my life miserable for no apparent reason.

Well, this my first attempt at blogging where I didn't know anyone in the community.  I figure I'll use this area as a place to vent and ponder things.  Being an at home mom of 3 with only the monotony of housework to do  I figured this would help liven things up.  Haven't worked in like 9 years.  Feeling a bit redundent at times.  Okay, most of the time.  Have a great marriage, wonderful kids that I love and that can frustrate the hell out of me at times too.  Guess I'm tired of feeling like a leech.  Since I don't bring in any money, just spend it, I'm not feeling like I'm bringing much to the table right now.  It's amazing how getting out of the house and having a job can define part of you.  I think I lost that part of me.  I guess I'll get it back eventually, as the kids get older.  Okay, well, feeling like I'm dumping on whoever reads this, how weird is that?!?!

I'm happy spring is finally getting here.  I live in a part of the United States that actually has all 4 seasons, Idaho.  Born and raised in California, so moving here was a change in many ways.  Pretty much all good though.  Miss my best friend, my sister the most.  Love the snow and the summers here.  Spring is cool as soon as it warms up a bit.  Love to see the flowers and trees grow back and green up.  Guess that's all for now!

'no matter where you go....there you are'