Okay, right now, feeling really small, pathetic. My own fault of course. I have a spending habit. Thought I got through it all in Nov. when the family had to bail me out. Got chewed out and felt like sh## after my husband found out and was upset about me lying to him. Anyway, I vowed to never do it again. It wasn't real high the point being, we are trying to pay off the bills not create new ones. Then I get a credit card offer in the mail. sent it in like an idiot. I rationalize, "I'll only use it when I need too and I can pay it right off". Well that went badly. I'm paying it no problem, but then I started using the Target card I told my husband I closed. Then I reopened another account. Than bam, back at 1000 in debt. Using some of my weekly allowance for the food and gas to pay the monthly payment. Then, like I didn't think this would happen, my husband pulls up his credit report and it says he's 1200 in debt but the credit cards he knows about are all at zero balance. Luckily for me he was out of town and called me. So, I'm borrowing money again to pay it all off so that his credit will go up and we can get the house in our name. Needless to say, he's pissed at me for lying again.
Not sure how I got this way. Used to be very responsible. I worked, payed the bills and even saved for a car and computer once upon a time. Now money is limited. I'm on a budget and feel like I can't give the children what they need or want so I spend money I don't have. Makes no sense. I can't figure out why the stupid in me is so blatant lately. I generally consider myself farely intelligent, at least until my last child. Seems the brain cells seriously deteriorated right after that. Memory got so bad I was having panic attacks when I couldn't find my keys or something I just set down like 1 minute ago. After nursing stopped it got better, but still had memory loss that seemed excessive. Not caring about things in general seemed to be bad too. Didn't take any pride in the house, myself. Lost interest in my hobbies. Figured it was depression. Got on Lexapro for awhile, but my husband was adamantly against it, so then I didn't have the money from him to pay for the perscription. I think it helped when I was on it. I slept better, felt content with life. Did housework without feeling like it was an endless cycle that served no purpose at all so why bother that much. He, on the other hand, didn't notice anything, I guess. He just thinks that I should be able to fix myself without any help. I'm very happy for him that he has the self confidence to be able to do that. I on the other hand do not. I've had self-esteem issues since I was like 8 yr. old. I'm 37 this year.
So I closed all the accounts, and told him I want to figure out why I'm doing this. He asked if I was on any medication, I told him only the blood pressure meds I got on in Dec. due to a symptom of a hereditary kidney disease I just got diagnosed with. He said maybe I should get off of them cuz they might be the problem but I told him the problems started way before those meds. So he'll blame the medicine for screwing me up but doesn't think meds would help?!? He comes home tonight so this should be fun. (she said with major sarcasm). You know for a person who has always hated being treated like a child I sure as hell always put myself in that position. My subconscious must be having a field day making my life miserable for no apparent reason. |
