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I know no one reads this so it’s perfectly safe to talk about my ‘big secret’ – i.e. the pregnancy that may or may not be viable, but in the meantime is very real and VERY uncomfortable.  Of course, all this will be better once we get past the first trimester and we get tests showing there’s (apparently) nothing wrong with the fetus (I hesitate to call it a baby yet).  Then, we can tell everybody.  We can start believing this baby is real.  We can celebrate and think: We’re going to have a family.  The baby will have 10 fingers and 10 toes and from the very beginning we will see that it has its own features and its personality.  And, yes, we will have miraculously created a new human being. 

But, being me and being a worrier, I suspect that I won’t relax into pure joy once we finally hit the 2^nd trimester.  In addition to many other mind-boggling realizations, pregnancy has made me acutely aware of my vulnerability.  So many things can go wrong, so very very wrong in ways that would really really hurt both physically and emotionally.  I could, realistically, still lose the baby at any point.  The baby could die inside me and then bleed out slowly until the doctors induced labor and my body forcibly expelled the remaining chunks.  Jeff and I would both go through mourning for a child we never met.  The risk never disappears entirely. 

Meanwhile, pregnancy is HARD.  It is painful.  I don’t know how bad it will be.  I could have hemorrhoids, gestational diabetes, eclampsia, incompetent cervix, premature labor.  I could be put on bed-rest for the last month or so (which is like a cross between solitary confinement and house arrest).  The delivery might be very bad.  I might push for hours and hours and throw-up and scream and after all that, the doctors still might have to slice me open like a pig to get the baby out.

The baby could be born with problems.  It might not survive.  In fact, every moment for the rest of this child’s life, I will be worried about him or her. 

I am tied to this tenuous little life-form by a lot more than an umbilical cord.  This is quite a scary realization.